i'm out, & other updates

hey, this is bryan

i'm out, & at a halfway house.

i've made some changes to the elite|fitrea site, mostly to eliminate fluff

i'm going to work on a few new music projects soon; i think i'll incorporate an e-store and an in-house blog in the next few months

i'm also working on a total site overhaul.

it's good to be out.

please direct any comments to bryan.erik.day@gmail.com

On a Brighter Note

The last thing I wrote kind of ends on a sad note.  I was thinking this morning (1/28/14) that I should read my clemency letter again and see how I thought about it.

What made me think of that was a friend of mine here, Jason, who was actually in my band at Bent County (he's the short guy with the long hair who is seen in the front of the rock band in the pictures I sent out years ago [added here dear reader - he's actually behind Bryan in this picture - taken in 2011 or so]).

Well, a month or so ago, he arrived here, and I had been talking to him about applying for clemency.  It turned out he qualified, so I gave him the address to the office and recommended he write, indicating to him that when I had done so last year, it took less than a week for my case manager to call me and get the ball rolling.  So the same thing happened to him, he just got his application and that got me bummed out thinkng about my retarded letter, which prompted me to read it again, probably for the fiftieth time.

While reading it, I remembered that the whole reason I included all that crazy shit in there was because of all the other stuff that was filed *with* the letter.  None of my blog readers have seen any of that stuff -- the pre-sentence investigation, the narrative of the crime, etc.  It's actually much *worse* than my letter.

Obviously I'm vaccilating between optimism and pessimism here, I dunno...  Today the letter didn't seem so bad.  When you read it without emotion it's not so bad, but when you read it with emotion it's fucking terrible.  It's written in a sort of rambling way which lends the reader to daydreaming.  I noticed that when I did that the letter was a thousand times worse, but when I read it with awareness it comes across as though I were thoughtfully and honestly trying to give a complete account.  The paragraphs are too long and the long slow trail of  mental decline is ommitted because it's so incremental and subtle that it would have to be a book to do it justice and make it interesting to read -- but a governor couldn't be expected to read that.

Well anyway, I feel much better about the letter now.

Another thing I feel better about is that I've added a significant portion to this guitar thing I'd been making no progress on -- just yesterday I came up with part after part after part.  I can't tell if it's because the talent comes in bursts or if it's because my brain's functioning better or what.

Also, I found this weird way to use major and minor 7 chords to descend chromatically in the bass line without it sounding like musical garbage... it's pretty cool, like a combination of Claude Debussy and the 2nd-to last track on Downward Spiral.

My cellmate's leaving soon, and a different cellmate from several months back will be moving back in, a schizophrenic guy from Loveland who earned the name Scary Larry in the newspaper.  It's a pretty cruel and hilarious nickname, I think.  He regularly hears voices but doesn't consider himself a true schizophrenic, because they go away when he asks them to.

Not much else to write about now.  So, see you later.

Another Year: A cold January Morning

The month is almost over and it feels like New Year's was just a few days ago.  In here, that's actually a good thing -- the time flies and that's great.  Speaking of, I saved the calendars from the last two years.

Just before Christmas my aunt sent me a book, Grain Brain, by Dr. David Perlmutter.  It links a whole bunch of physical ailments to gluten sensitivity and gluten allergy.  As a long-time depression sufferer, my eyebrows raised when the book mentioned how gluten can be responsible for depression.  The book also lists a few cases of schizophrenia which were completely reversed once the patients stopped ingesting gluten.

So I've been buying sausages, cheese, peanuts, seeds and other stuff (to the tune of 1,200 calories a day or so) to offset the breads, sauces, and other stuff I'm not eating anymore.  It costs a little over 20 dollars a week.  I've been keeping that up since just after Christmas.

Since that time, I've lost almost 10 pounds.  The little layers of fat that were on my stomach, legs, and lower back are dwindling away.  Since coming to prison I've just gotten skinnier, although I weigh about the same.  I work out a lot and walk the track for an hour or two a day.  My pecs are bigger than they were when I was in the marines -- although that's not saying much.

I asked medical to test me for gluten sensitivity so they can put me on some kind of diet.  That way I don't have to pay so much for food (I earn like 10 bucks a month, the rest comes from family).  If it turns out I am gluten sensitive it would explain a lot.  It would explain why I felt like total dog-shit almost immediately after moving to America.

My energy levels are different since I've stopped eating gluten.  I'm more awake and alert throughout the day.  To be honest, it feels sort of like I'm drugged; like I'm on Prozac again, or something.  It's a completely alien feeling.  My blood feels cleaner, too.  That probably sounds crazy but I used to feel like my blood turned really syrupy throughout the day.  And my concentration is different.

Oh--and my depression has abated significantly.  It's very frustrating to think that gluten could be the root to most of my life's problems.  It's so overwhelming, like finding out you're allergic to oxygen.  It's is in so much food.  No wonder I hated the pizza industry so much.  They were using high-gluten flour and I was eating the stuff all day, every day.  I literally fantasized about dying I was so miserable.  No wonder I became so deranged.

I just reread my clemency letter and it's fucking insane.  Just a few months ago it seemed like the best idea in the goddamned world, and now it seems to me like a crazy person wrote it.  Reading it, I can see how I'm a crazy person.  It almost makes me want to laugh.  I can see how Lady X could see I was a crazy person even back when we were together.  I thought she left me because I was poor, but I was actually crazy. Much crazier than I thought I was.  I thought I was on the border of eccentric, but I was much stranger than that.

I'm not saying anything in the letter was untrue, it's just -- who the fuck would write all that and expect a good result?  Even if it turns out that my depression was caused by gluten, I don't think I can ever be normal. It sapped the foundation of my personality for over 2 decades.

In other news, the prison system is now selling tablet computers.  I've heard that they're 32GB machines for movies, music, and simple games.  I'm going to buy one.  I'm hoping it comes with a word processor. Tablets have come of age after my incarceration, so I don't know if I should expect a word processor or not.  If it has one, I'll start blogging on a regular basis.

Well anyway, that's all.

--B

Ordeal of the Lunatic

Hello Readers:

Sorry for not writing (it is difficult to write in the Canon City prison complex).  This year I prepared a request for executive clemency.  I think the letter I included with it would be interesting for people to see because I was able to give something of an account of what I went through and did during my psychotic period, and some of what I've done so far in prison.  Please enjoy.

- B

Letter From Aki Christian - DOC Number 140705 - Looking for a Pen Pal

[Intro from elite fitrea] 

I'm friends with a guy named Aki; he's looking for a pen pal. I'm not sure that I have enough readers for a response (especially as I haven't updated my story in almost a year now, I think ... it's because they work me 7 hours a day and no longer have time to write at this new facility), but he submits the following letter:

"Aki Christian #140705 

C-FMCC-E

P0 Box # 300

Canon City, CO 81215

email: jpay.com

“My name is as above and I'm submitting this blog as an attempt to find correspondence with someone who is sensitive to my current situation of imprisonment.  I’m half Spanish and half African-American. And with that being said I'm not suffering from any injustice due to color, or creed, but in in fact I am in here by my own actions. After several years (3) I often reflect as I walk this yard with the Canon City mountains in view and think to myself, 'Perhaps I don't know it all.'

“Perhaps, you can shine some light on a similar revelation. That we as humans only have 24 hours in a day to just get a piece of understanding of this life. And the next day, another small piece such as the allegory of daily bread. Enough to satisfy the present hunger then once digested we go and receive a little more.

“By being on a prison yard, I'm used to walking in circles. And once I'm released I wonder do I do the same things but on a grander scale? But this benefit I get on this micro-level is that I do get a closer observation of myself with plenty of reference material from the library.

“I was born in Maryland. As is my family, being mother and aunts are still there. I am here in Colorado by myself. Again, with the will to search for meaning in mind. What I'm getting at is that at this point in my life I could use a friend. A friend that can relate and be willing to journey with me.

“If you're interested, write back.

“                                                                                              -Aki"

Letter from James Brown - DOC Number 143174

Thursday, June 21, 2012

James Brown # 143174 CMC-FMCC

P.O. Box 300

Canon City, CO 81215

Tony Carochi

2862 S. Circle Dr.

Colo. Spgs, CO 80906

Re: Illicit Work Ethics

Dear Mr. Carochi:

If I may have a moment of your time to talk to you (through this letter) about your employees' unprofessional and unethical behavior? I understand that a man of your position can be busy, so I will keep this brief as possible. It is very well known that your staff is into retaliating against those who try to reach out, and or try to correct such wrong doings committed by your staff, which will be the subject of this letter. With that being said, I would appreciate if no retaliation, on D.O.C.'s part, would come from this.

I have been housed in Four Mile Correctional Center since November 5th, 2011. During my stay in Four Mile, I have followed the guidelines, rules, and regulations of D.O.C. and this facility. Tom Clements (executive director) implemented an Administrative Regulation (100-18), which is a D.O.C. policy, explaining in depth the mission, vision, and values of D.O.C. and its staff. From November 5th, 2011 till now (June 21st, 2012), I have experienced and seen that the staff at Four Mile Correctional Center, and the staff of the Colorado Correctional Industries, do not follow, acknowledge, nor respect administrative regulation 100-18 (effective May 1, 2011). I, and others, have been poked, prodded, and provoked to make decisions that will allow staff to justify their demeaning behavior.

When one such as I, or other inmates go to their case managers about an altercation with a staff member they take no action unless it is to try and justify the actions of their co-worker, or to retaliate against the inmate. When I or other inmates go to their case managers for other issues such as halfway housing, assessment, job changes, or medical issues, they act illogical and say they are too busy. Parole itself becomes a scary issue, when like me, you have only seen your case manager once in 8 months. It would help to lessen the D.O.C. body count, if case managers help inmates get paroled, or halfway housing, engaging them in opportunities to make positive changes and becoming law- abiding, productive citizens.

The medical department has a habit of subjectively diagnosing inmates' medical problems, so they don't have to treat them. I have noticed inmates with and without A.D.A., with serious medical issues, sent away with a pat on the back with a bill to follow. At a work camp this becomes a problem, now the inmate is subject to being fired, if he cannot work through the pain, or suffering of a virus. This is not only illegal, but is inhuman.

The Colorado Correctional Industries, that the inmates get to work at, have staff that are no different. I have been poked, prodded, provoked, and even physically threatened while working at the dairy, and other departments. When I told your staff what was going on, they told me there was nothing they could do or would do. When informed of the ethnical prejudice some just laughed and shrugged their shoulders. Some staff members went as far as to say, "this happens all the time."

As for your grievance system, what good is when, if used, infuriates the D.O.C. staff, from the bottom up, and have them use whatever power they have to make your stay at D.0.C. a living hell? From the process of the first grievance to the third, much negligence, and or forms of retaliation have been given. So many illicit acts are being made by your staff that you will never know about, because your staff has put so much fear, and have crushed so much of what was known as the inmates' self-esteem and hope, all belief in the grievance system is shot, and is no longer in use. The further up the grievance gets, the retaliation becomes that much more inhuman.

So is this what D.O.C. has boiled down to? So busy trying to emasculate men, banning pornographic pictures and magazines, when the real problem lies in the lack -of respect for the executive director, and administrative regulation 100- 18? Is administrative regulation 100-18 just for face value, if not when does someone step in and take the time to correct such an important issue? I have to live with the inmates your staff drives over the edge, to have to worry about staff and inmate alike is not prison, but something else entirely. I, and those like me who are trying to do our time productively, throughout D.O.C., are dealing with this madness. If you and Tom Clements are trying to make productive, law abiding  citizens, then stop your staff from doing the opposite.

Sincerely,

James Brown

Update - I've Been Busy at the New Place

Three letters in a week. I work with James at the central warehouse for DOC. It supplies all the food and supplies for the facilities in the southern half of Colorado (or something to that effect). Incidentally, this job is the reason I haven't been writing, it takes too much out of me. I used to spend about 4 hours a morning writing, re–writing, and generally despising whatever blog entry I happened to be focusing on. I just can't do that when I already have so many other things going on. It's like how Bukowski didn't write anything when he was a postal clerk. Some people just need time and space, I think. To work with their mind, I mean.

Back to the letter, I think James is pretty cool. He really reminds me of a friend I had in middle school, Artie. The first time he really talked to me (James, not Artie), we were being searched after coming back from work, and James said, in a slightly crazed voice and plainly audible to the guards, "What's that, Day? You're fitting to kill me?"

He was plainly joking and talking in a cartoon–y voice. I played along somehow, I can't remember. We were cracking up. James is a small–statured black dude who carries himself in such a way that he looks bigger than he really is. He told me how he used to play Super Smash Bros. with the scariest thugs you could imagine. Girls would come over, ready to party, and then they'd be confronted with this sight of face–tatted men from hell—playing Smash Bros. and really getting into it. It's such a funny vision. I can totally see the girls scoffing or giving each other sideways glances.

James has a funny nickname, it’s Munchie. At first I thought this was some sort of mildly racial thing, it almost sounded like he said his nickname was 'monkey', and I thought, 'that's kind of weird.' But it actually refers to the fact that he used to be constantly high, and eating. So he was the living embodiment of the munchies, I guess. But he's thin as a rail, so the name isn't apparent, and he thinks that's funny. I told him he should call himself "The Baron Von Munchhausen," and he liked that way better. So how I call him Baron, which is similar to Brown. It's almost like an accented pronunciation of Brown.

It's really funny to make James laugh, because he literally comes from a dark past, the whole 9 yards, gangs, guns, drugs, the works. He's done it. And he's told me things I won't repeat. But making him laugh is funny, because the simplest things make him laugh, all I have to do is say whatever I'm thinking out loud, and he laughs for minutes on end.

We were eating lunch, and the bread was all crumpled up, every sack lunch had this-fucked up bread, and no one commented on it because every sack lunch-is---- an exercise in sadness, they're disgusting, mysteriously wet, and have some disgusting lunchmeat that looks like a factory by-product. We were talking about some other thing and I caught sight of someone trying to make a sandwich out of it, and I just said, "what is with this bread."

And he laughed. He couldn't stop laughing. He had his head on the table laughing, and then he went to the bathroom because he was starting to tear from his eyes, and when I thought he was only washing his hands I heard him suddenly laugh more. Somehow I'm the only person who makes him laugh like this.

I told him how I can't stand sports. I can't take them seriously. Like, every time I would try to play some sport in middle school or high school, I couldn't help but think, "man, this is a lot of work for a ball."

And he couldn't stop laughing at that. "Man you're making me feel like a dog. Seriously. Running around for a damn ball."

And I'm like, "Seriously, man. Everyone's really interested in what that ball is doing. It's so weird." He cracks up, even more.

And it's so dumb, I think I'm jealous of the ball, really. I tell him this, and it's the funniest fucking thing in the world. Like, thousands of people are watching the ball. All the sports--it's all balls. We're obsessed with an inanimate object.

And then you've got people yelling at the ball, their veins are popping out of their faces, they're about to have a heart attack, and when it's all over they feel like they had fun! They bring dates to watch them do this, and the dates think, "Yeah, okay, I'll stick around with this guy. He yells at balls."

Alright, I'm done. So, he wrote a letter to Tony Carochi, who is the assistant director of DOC. There's a lot of truth in what James is mentioning, although he doesn't list specifics. The AR he mentions (AR stands for administrative regulation) has the following value statements: 1) Our staff is our greatest resource, 2) we support a professional, empowered workforce that embodies honesty, integrity, and ethical behavior, 3) we honor and respect the rights of victims, 4) we respect the individual differences of our staff and offender populations, and seek to safeguard—the-safety-; dignity, and wellbeing of all, 5) we strive to deliver correctional services with optimal efficiency, 6) we engage in effective correctional practices that produce measurable outcomes, 7) we are committed to exceptional customer service, 8) we are dedicated to providing opportunities for offender success, and 9) our success is achieved through mission—focused collaboration.

His letter also briefly mentions a new AR that is about to come into effect starting in September. DOC is going to ban all pornographic material from offender possession, period. They won't even let saucy letters from girlfriends (or boyfriends, I guess) come into the facility. No pictures will be allowed that do not conform to the same standards that visitors to the prison are subjected to regarding dress. This means that even bathing suit pictures are not okay, or negligee pictures, or even mini-skirt pictures.

Now, I think this is sort of creepy. I mean, I think society has a fairly good understanding that sexual deviancy occurs when a person is deprived of a regular and healthy sexual outlet, and inmates are already deprived of this.

So, honestly, I think this will result in bad things. 

Like, I think that the reason so many Catholic priests are kid-touchers is because of the celibacy vow. It's because of the heightened sense of guilt and shame associated with sexual things. I think the brain finds a way to work around his celibacy. The sexual urge is linked with the reproductive urge, which is linked with the survival urge. So if sexual things are bad, then his brain makes the appropriate changes necessary to find bad things sexually attractive. And the rest is merely opportunity. It's all going to be bad when this happens, I absolutely believe it.

Alright, on to the letter.