Hi. My name is Bryan. I'm a prisoner, and I've decided to write a blog about my life. I have no illusions that my history and background aren't a mouse-click away, or that my career choices will be somewhat limited when I get out, so I figure I have very little to lose in openly writing about my crimes and experiences. I'm schizoaffective, which means my interpretation of what is real and what is imaginary can be tenuous at times. I've also had depression since late childhood, but am recovering well in prison.
I am choosing to write a blog about my story because I feel it is informative, important, and interesting. Many things could have prevented my crimes from happening the way they did, perhaps even at all. While I take responsibility for my actions, I cannot help but feel accessible health-care may have diagnosed my mental disorders earlier, while also keeping them from getting out of hand. Stricter consumer protection laws on credit card companies could have prevented my living situation from deteriorating to the point it did, which may have kept my psychotic symptoms from developing. It's complicated but I feel good sharing.
This blog is intended for a myriad of people. It's for family members of a person with mental illness, or people that suffer from mental illness, even people who are just curious about mental illness. It's also for prisoners, cons & ex-cons and their families, psychologists & psychiatrists, philosophers, and intellectuals (I may be overlapping somewhat). It also serves as a warning for those who feel trapped, poor, or are otherwise hurting and are thinking about doing bad things, but I think it should also serve as just an obvious a warning for those who routinely practice the habit of putting people in positions to feel trapped, poor, or desperate.
Before committing my crimes, I was a straight laced, relatively normal person with a clean record. I was always employed, generally paid bills on time, and pursued a dream of becoming an independent musician. I have been in the Marine Corps, worked as a restaurant manager in several different store chains and was trying hard to find a day-job that could pay my bills while giving me the time to focus on my music. This all-too-familiar (even cliched) plight was devastated by my schizophrenic symptoms. I knew I had some eccentricities and I knew I was depressed. But I was ignorant to how serious my mental problems were becoming, and lacked the resources to seriously consider investigating them.
I intend to write something every week or two. The first few entries will deal with the external details of my crimes (the most serious of which was arson) and then I'll move on to my subjective experience and the distorted reality I had created for myself. I also hope to use the band facilities at my prison to record simple songs and perhaps even get them posted online. Additionally, I am taking up painting to describe the area in which I experienced my psychotic symptoms. The closest English word I have found to describe it is "noosphere" a philosophical concept that describes the realm where mental images are formed and interact, presumably in the form of memes and similar concepts. Tactile hallucinations reinforced my perceptive distortions, and I independently became aware of the universe as described in The Secret, even perceiving myself as falling though different universes with different versions of history.
Many of my memories became repressed due to denial, the length of the court process, and a suicide attempt which put my mind into a fog for almost half a year. Two years later I am still remembering details I have forgotten or repressed. In this respect my blog will also help me uncover hidden memories of which I may not be aware of. I invite the reader to join me on my journey.
Ultimately, my blog will move on, but before it does I hope to satisfy most curiosities about my crimes. Sometimes I notice myself thinking that I "prefer the devil I know to the devil I don't." This doesn't exactly translate to human beings, but maybe I can become one of the devils you know, and perhaps you'll even prefer me.
-Bryan
