hey, this is bryan
i'm out, & at a halfway house.
i've made some changes to the elite|fitrea site, mostly to eliminate fluff
i'm going to work on a few new music projects soon; i think i'll incorporate an e-store and an in-house blog in the next few months
i'm also working on a total site overhaul.
it's good to be out.
please direct any comments to bryan.erik.day@gmail.com
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Saturday, February 1, 2014
On a Brighter Note
The last thing I wrote kind of ends on a sad note. I was thinking this morning (1/28/14) that I should read my clemency letter again and see how I thought about it.
What made me think of that was a friend of mine here, Jason, who was actually in my band at Bent County (he's the short guy with the long hair who is seen in the front of the rock band in the pictures I sent out years ago [added here dear reader - he's actually behind Bryan in this picture - taken in 2011 or so]).
Well, a month or so ago, he arrived here, and I had been talking to him about applying for clemency. It turned out he qualified, so I gave him the address to the office and recommended he write, indicating to him that when I had done so last year, it took less than a week for my case manager to call me and get the ball rolling. So the same thing happened to him, he just got his application and that got me bummed out thinkng about my retarded letter, which prompted me to read it again, probably for the fiftieth time.
While reading it, I remembered that the whole reason I included all that crazy shit in there was because of all the other stuff that was filed *with* the letter. None of my blog readers have seen any of that stuff -- the pre-sentence investigation, the narrative of the crime, etc. It's actually much *worse* than my letter.
Obviously I'm vaccilating between optimism and pessimism here, I dunno... Today the letter didn't seem so bad. When you read it without emotion it's not so bad, but when you read it with emotion it's fucking terrible. It's written in a sort of rambling way which lends the reader to daydreaming. I noticed that when I did that the letter was a thousand times worse, but when I read it with awareness it comes across as though I were thoughtfully and honestly trying to give a complete account. The paragraphs are too long and the long slow trail of mental decline is ommitted because it's so incremental and subtle that it would have to be a book to do it justice and make it interesting to read -- but a governor couldn't be expected to read that.
Well anyway, I feel much better about the letter now.
Another thing I feel better about is that I've added a significant portion to this guitar thing I'd been making no progress on -- just yesterday I came up with part after part after part. I can't tell if it's because the talent comes in bursts or if it's because my brain's functioning better or what.
Also, I found this weird way to use major and minor 7 chords to descend chromatically in the bass line without it sounding like musical garbage... it's pretty cool, like a combination of Claude Debussy and the 2nd-to last track on Downward Spiral.
My cellmate's leaving soon, and a different cellmate from several months back will be moving back in, a schizophrenic guy from Loveland who earned the name Scary Larry in the newspaper. It's a pretty cruel and hilarious nickname, I think. He regularly hears voices but doesn't consider himself a true schizophrenic, because they go away when he asks them to.
Not much else to write about now. So, see you later.
What made me think of that was a friend of mine here, Jason, who was actually in my band at Bent County (he's the short guy with the long hair who is seen in the front of the rock band in the pictures I sent out years ago [added here dear reader - he's actually behind Bryan in this picture - taken in 2011 or so]).
Well, a month or so ago, he arrived here, and I had been talking to him about applying for clemency. It turned out he qualified, so I gave him the address to the office and recommended he write, indicating to him that when I had done so last year, it took less than a week for my case manager to call me and get the ball rolling. So the same thing happened to him, he just got his application and that got me bummed out thinkng about my retarded letter, which prompted me to read it again, probably for the fiftieth time.
While reading it, I remembered that the whole reason I included all that crazy shit in there was because of all the other stuff that was filed *with* the letter. None of my blog readers have seen any of that stuff -- the pre-sentence investigation, the narrative of the crime, etc. It's actually much *worse* than my letter.
Obviously I'm vaccilating between optimism and pessimism here, I dunno... Today the letter didn't seem so bad. When you read it without emotion it's not so bad, but when you read it with emotion it's fucking terrible. It's written in a sort of rambling way which lends the reader to daydreaming. I noticed that when I did that the letter was a thousand times worse, but when I read it with awareness it comes across as though I were thoughtfully and honestly trying to give a complete account. The paragraphs are too long and the long slow trail of mental decline is ommitted because it's so incremental and subtle that it would have to be a book to do it justice and make it interesting to read -- but a governor couldn't be expected to read that.
Well anyway, I feel much better about the letter now.
Another thing I feel better about is that I've added a significant portion to this guitar thing I'd been making no progress on -- just yesterday I came up with part after part after part. I can't tell if it's because the talent comes in bursts or if it's because my brain's functioning better or what.
Also, I found this weird way to use major and minor 7 chords to descend chromatically in the bass line without it sounding like musical garbage... it's pretty cool, like a combination of Claude Debussy and the 2nd-to last track on Downward Spiral.
My cellmate's leaving soon, and a different cellmate from several months back will be moving back in, a schizophrenic guy from Loveland who earned the name Scary Larry in the newspaper. It's a pretty cruel and hilarious nickname, I think. He regularly hears voices but doesn't consider himself a true schizophrenic, because they go away when he asks them to.
Not much else to write about now. So, see you later.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Another Year: A cold January Morning
The month is almost over and it feels like New Year's was just a few days ago. In here, that's actually a good thing -- the time flies and that's great. Speaking of, I saved the calendars from the last two years.
Just before Christmas my aunt sent me a book, Grain Brain, by Dr. David Perlmutter. It links a whole bunch of physical ailments to gluten sensitivity and gluten allergy. As a long-time depression sufferer, my eyebrows raised when the book mentioned how gluten can be responsible for depression. The book also lists a few cases of schizophrenia which were completely reversed once the patients stopped ingesting gluten.
So I've been buying sausages, cheese, peanuts, seeds and other stuff (to the tune of 1,200 calories a day or so) to offset the breads, sauces, and other stuff I'm not eating anymore. It costs a little over 20 dollars a week. I've been keeping that up since just after Christmas.
Since that time, I've lost almost 10 pounds. The little layers of fat that were on my stomach, legs, and lower back are dwindling away. Since coming to prison I've just gotten skinnier, although I weigh about the same. I work out a lot and walk the track for an hour or two a day. My pecs are bigger than they were when I was in the marines -- although that's not saying much.
I asked medical to test me for gluten sensitivity so they can put me on some kind of diet. That way I don't have to pay so much for food (I earn like 10 bucks a month, the rest comes from family). If it turns out I am gluten sensitive it would explain a lot. It would explain why I felt like total dog-shit almost immediately after moving to America.
My energy levels are different since I've stopped eating gluten. I'm more awake and alert throughout the day. To be honest, it feels sort of like I'm drugged; like I'm on Prozac again, or something. It's a completely alien feeling. My blood feels cleaner, too. That probably sounds crazy but I used to feel like my blood turned really syrupy throughout the day. And my concentration is different.
Oh--and my depression has abated significantly. It's very frustrating to think that gluten could be the root to most of my life's problems. It's so overwhelming, like finding out you're allergic to oxygen. It's is in so much food. No wonder I hated the pizza industry so much. They were using high-gluten flour and I was eating the stuff all day, every day. I literally fantasized about dying I was so miserable. No wonder I became so deranged.
I just reread my clemency letter and it's fucking insane. Just a few months ago it seemed like the best idea in the goddamned world, and now it seems to me like a crazy person wrote it. Reading it, I can see how I'm a crazy person. It almost makes me want to laugh. I can see how Lady X could see I was a crazy person even back when we were together. I thought she left me because I was poor, but I was actually crazy. Much crazier than I thought I was. I thought I was on the border of eccentric, but I was much stranger than that.
I'm not saying anything in the letter was untrue, it's just -- who the fuck would write all that and expect a good result? Even if it turns out that my depression was caused by gluten, I don't think I can ever be normal. It sapped the foundation of my personality for over 2 decades.
In other news, the prison system is now selling tablet computers. I've heard that they're 32GB machines for movies, music, and simple games. I'm going to buy one. I'm hoping it comes with a word processor. Tablets have come of age after my incarceration, so I don't know if I should expect a word processor or not. If it has one, I'll start blogging on a regular basis.
Well anyway, that's all.
--B
Just before Christmas my aunt sent me a book, Grain Brain, by Dr. David Perlmutter. It links a whole bunch of physical ailments to gluten sensitivity and gluten allergy. As a long-time depression sufferer, my eyebrows raised when the book mentioned how gluten can be responsible for depression. The book also lists a few cases of schizophrenia which were completely reversed once the patients stopped ingesting gluten.
So I've been buying sausages, cheese, peanuts, seeds and other stuff (to the tune of 1,200 calories a day or so) to offset the breads, sauces, and other stuff I'm not eating anymore. It costs a little over 20 dollars a week. I've been keeping that up since just after Christmas.
Since that time, I've lost almost 10 pounds. The little layers of fat that were on my stomach, legs, and lower back are dwindling away. Since coming to prison I've just gotten skinnier, although I weigh about the same. I work out a lot and walk the track for an hour or two a day. My pecs are bigger than they were when I was in the marines -- although that's not saying much.
I asked medical to test me for gluten sensitivity so they can put me on some kind of diet. That way I don't have to pay so much for food (I earn like 10 bucks a month, the rest comes from family). If it turns out I am gluten sensitive it would explain a lot. It would explain why I felt like total dog-shit almost immediately after moving to America.
My energy levels are different since I've stopped eating gluten. I'm more awake and alert throughout the day. To be honest, it feels sort of like I'm drugged; like I'm on Prozac again, or something. It's a completely alien feeling. My blood feels cleaner, too. That probably sounds crazy but I used to feel like my blood turned really syrupy throughout the day. And my concentration is different.
Oh--and my depression has abated significantly. It's very frustrating to think that gluten could be the root to most of my life's problems. It's so overwhelming, like finding out you're allergic to oxygen. It's is in so much food. No wonder I hated the pizza industry so much. They were using high-gluten flour and I was eating the stuff all day, every day. I literally fantasized about dying I was so miserable. No wonder I became so deranged.
I just reread my clemency letter and it's fucking insane. Just a few months ago it seemed like the best idea in the goddamned world, and now it seems to me like a crazy person wrote it. Reading it, I can see how I'm a crazy person. It almost makes me want to laugh. I can see how Lady X could see I was a crazy person even back when we were together. I thought she left me because I was poor, but I was actually crazy. Much crazier than I thought I was. I thought I was on the border of eccentric, but I was much stranger than that.
I'm not saying anything in the letter was untrue, it's just -- who the fuck would write all that and expect a good result? Even if it turns out that my depression was caused by gluten, I don't think I can ever be normal. It sapped the foundation of my personality for over 2 decades.
In other news, the prison system is now selling tablet computers. I've heard that they're 32GB machines for movies, music, and simple games. I'm going to buy one. I'm hoping it comes with a word processor. Tablets have come of age after my incarceration, so I don't know if I should expect a word processor or not. If it has one, I'll start blogging on a regular basis.
Well anyway, that's all.
--B
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