Just before Christmas my aunt sent me a book, Grain Brain, by Dr. David Perlmutter. It links a whole bunch of physical ailments to gluten sensitivity and gluten allergy. As a long-time depression sufferer, my eyebrows raised when the book mentioned how gluten can be responsible for depression. The book also lists a few cases of schizophrenia which were completely reversed once the patients stopped ingesting gluten.
So I've been buying sausages, cheese, peanuts, seeds and other stuff (to the tune of 1,200 calories a day or so) to offset the breads, sauces, and other stuff I'm not eating anymore. It costs a little over 20 dollars a week. I've been keeping that up since just after Christmas.
Since that time, I've lost almost 10 pounds. The little layers of fat that were on my stomach, legs, and lower back are dwindling away. Since coming to prison I've just gotten skinnier, although I weigh about the same. I work out a lot and walk the track for an hour or two a day. My pecs are bigger than they were when I was in the marines -- although that's not saying much.
I asked medical to test me for gluten sensitivity so they can put me on some kind of diet. That way I don't have to pay so much for food (I earn like 10 bucks a month, the rest comes from family). If it turns out I am gluten sensitive it would explain a lot. It would explain why I felt like total dog-shit almost immediately after moving to America.
My energy levels are different since I've stopped eating gluten. I'm more awake and alert throughout the day. To be honest, it feels sort of like I'm drugged; like I'm on Prozac again, or something. It's a completely alien feeling. My blood feels cleaner, too. That probably sounds crazy but I used to feel like my blood turned really syrupy throughout the day. And my concentration is different.
Oh--and my depression has abated significantly. It's very frustrating to think that gluten could be the root to most of my life's problems. It's so overwhelming, like finding out you're allergic to oxygen. It's is in so much food. No wonder I hated the pizza industry so much. They were using high-gluten flour and I was eating the stuff all day, every day. I literally fantasized about dying I was so miserable. No wonder I became so deranged.
I just reread my clemency letter and it's fucking insane. Just a few months ago it seemed like the best idea in the goddamned world, and now it seems to me like a crazy person wrote it. Reading it, I can see how I'm a crazy person. It almost makes me want to laugh. I can see how Lady X could see I was a crazy person even back when we were together. I thought she left me because I was poor, but I was actually crazy. Much crazier than I thought I was. I thought I was on the border of eccentric, but I was much stranger than that.
I'm not saying anything in the letter was untrue, it's just -- who the fuck would write all that and expect a good result? Even if it turns out that my depression was caused by gluten, I don't think I can ever be normal. It sapped the foundation of my personality for over 2 decades.
In other news, the prison system is now selling tablet computers. I've heard that they're 32GB machines for movies, music, and simple games. I'm going to buy one. I'm hoping it comes with a word processor. Tablets have come of age after my incarceration, so I don't know if I should expect a word processor or not. If it has one, I'll start blogging on a regular basis.
Well anyway, that's all.
--B
